Parshas Toldos
By Rabbi Dovid Zauderer
A friend of mine who was then in his low 20’s was studying Torah at a Yeshiva in Jerusalem, and he was really progressing in his learning. Meanwhile, his parents were putting major pressure on him to return to the US where he could continue with his Judaic studies at an American yeshiva while at the same time going to college part-time so as to have a career in his “back pocket” when he would need to make a livelihood for himself and for his future family. My friend thought about his parent’s ‘plan’ and it sounded logical to him. Thus he decided to return to America at the end of that semester – but not before asking for a blessing for hatzlachah (success) in learning from three great Israeli rabbis, Rabbi Michel Yehuda Lefkowitz ZT”L, Rabbi Aaron Leib Shteinman ZT”L, and Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky Shlit”a. First my friend came to Rav Lefkowitz and said: “Although I am doing very well in my yeshiva here in Israel, my parents want me to return to the US and to go to school part-time, so I am asking for a blessing for success in my Torah studies”. Rav Michel responded with a nice blessing. The same thing occurred during his visit to Rabbi Shteinman. Then they came to Rav Chaim Kanievsky’s home, and my friend told him that he really wanted to stay in Yeshiva in Israel but it was against his parent’s wishes. To which Rav Chaim responded without even looking up from the page of Talmud he was studying: “Atah lo chayav lishmo’a la’hem” (“you are not obligated to listen to them”). The end of the story - for those of you who are curious – is that my friend decided to follow Rav Chaim’s p’sak Halachah (“Halachic decision”) and to continue studying Torah in Israel. As for having a career in his back pocket when he might need it, shortly after that, a girl from a wealthy and prominent family was suggested for him, and he was able to continue learning Torah worry-free for many years!
Well, what do you think about this (true) story? Was the rabbi right? Or maybe the parents?
How far does the obligation of Kibbud Av V’Eim (“Honoring One’s Parents”) go?
And what if the issue is not choosing a Yeshiva to study in but choosing a shidduch (marriage partner) to spend one’s life with? If my parents are against my marrying a particular person, do I have an obligation to listen to them? Or can I ignore their wishes?
The Shulchan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law) in the Laws of Honoring One’s Parents (Yoreh Deiah 240:13) discusses a similar case: He quotes the following in the name of the Terumas Hadeshen (#44):
תלמיד שרוצה ללכת למקום אחר שהוא בוטח שיראה סימן ברכה בתלמודו לפני הרב ששם ואביו מוחה בו לפי שדואג שבאותה העיר העובדי כוכבים מעלילים אינו צריך לשמוע לאביו בזה
“A student who wants to study Torah in a yeshiva in a different city where he is confident that under that rebbi’s tutelage he will be more successful in his learning – yet his father is protesting his choice out of concern that the city is not a safe place for Jews to live – he does not have to listen to his father”.
The Rem”a adds in the name of the Mahari”k (#167)
הגה וכן אם האב מוחה בבן לישא איזו אשה שיחפוץ בה הבן א"צ לשמוע אל האב (מהרי"ק שורש קס"ז)
“And also if the father protests the son’s choice of marriage partner – he does not have to listen to his father.”
The source for this Halachah, that there are some mitzvos such as the study of Torah that are even greater than Honoring One’s Parents, can be found at the end of this week’s Torah portion, Parshas Toldos (see Genesis 28:9 and Rashi’s commentary ibid):
In what is probably one of the most “mathematical” of his commentaries on the Chumash, Rashi cites the Talmud in Megillah 17a which explains that Joseph disappeared from his father for twenty-two years middah k'neged middah (“measure for measure”) corresponding to the twenty-two years that Jacob did not honor his parents while he was in Laban’s house. However, even though it can be proven that Jacob spent an additional 14 years studying Torah at the Yeshiva of Shem V’Eiver before traveling to Laban’s house (see Rashi ibid.), he was not punished for spending that extra time away from his father Jacob. From here we learn, says the Talmud, that “The study of Torah is greater than honoring parents."
The real question is why? Why, for example, are we not obligated to honor our parents when they disagree with our choice of marriage partner?
The Mahari”k (quoted above) offers three reasons:
1) The Halachah in Shulchan Aruch follows the opinion that the obligation to honor one’s parents is only mi’shel av (“using his parent’s money”), i.e., he doesn’t have to spend any of his own money to honor his parents. So it follows logically that he shouldn’t have to suffer any emotional pain either (which in many ways is worse than monetary loss) by not being able to go against his parent’s wishes and marrying a the partner of his choice.
2) According to Jewish law, if a father commands his son to transgress a mitzvah of the Torah, he is not allowed to do so. Since the Torah wants us to marry the person that we love, asking the son not to marry that person is tantamount to commanding the son to eat non-kosher – and he has no obligation to listen.
3) Many medieval Talmudic commentators hold that the entire mitzvah of Kibbud Av V’Eim only applies to actions that have direct personal benefit and relevance to our parents, such as giving them food and drink when they ask for it, or by not contradicting them in public etc. And since who we marry or in which Yeshiva we learn has no relevance – it isn’t a direct need - for our parents, there is no obligation at all to accommodate them and to give up marrying the one that we want.
So I guess that the answer to the question in the title above is: Yes, but not always!
http://www.torchweb.org/torah_detail.php?id=687