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Parshas Tzav (5774)


And it was in the days of Obamachashveirosh, ruler of 50 states from Alaska until Florida. An E-vite was sent to all his contacts to join him at a party. He tweeted his wife to come wearing her crown and Google glasses. She rejected the call. In a fury, he commanded Verizon to disconnect her Wi-Fi.

And so, Obamachashveirosh needed a new first lady. E-mails were sent throughout the land, saying: All suitable maidens must submit a YouTube video of themselves; the one whom His Highness finds most worthy will become the new First Lady of the US.

Obamachashveirosh liked Estherís video best. He filtered through all the other maidens of the land and downloaded Estherís profile onto his iPhone.

And it came to pass that Mordechai hacked into a chat room and gained access to documents between Bigsan and Seresh who were plotting on committing identity theft with the president. Mordechai posted the information on WikiLeaks and thus became listed on the Royal Website of those who the president would like to honor.

And it was after these events that Obamachashveirosh appointed Hamas to be prime minister of the land. Hamas immediately declared that everyone must like him on Facebook. When he tried to friend Mordechai the Jew, Mordechai did not respond. Hamas immediately plotted to remove, destroy and delete all the Jews health insurance in the land.

E-mails were sent out through the fastest servers, saying that on the thirteenth day of Adar, all Jewish men women and children would be subject to Obamacare. Mordechai and Esther immediately called for a Million Man March to pray for the annulment of the harsh decree.

That night, Obamachashveirosh couldnít sleep. He texted his servant to log on to his Royal Website with Windows 8.1. Although the servant tried avoiding the link which shared how Mordechai had saved the president from identity theft, all other pages could not be displayed. Obamachashveirosh decided he must honor Mordechai. After taking a poll, he orders Hamas to chauffeur Mordechai in the Presidential Limo. During the parade, Hamasís daughter, who was watching the entire event on her webcam, sent all her spam to the driver, thinking it was Mordechai.

Later that day, Hamas joined Esther and Obamachasveiroshís WhatsApp group and Esther finally revealed her family circle on Google+. Security arrested Hamas and he was hanged on the fifty-foot gallows he had ordered on E-bay.

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